Where's Maria?!

Sorry again to my vast and loyal followers - it's been a while! What have I been up to, I'm sure you've been staying up nights asking yourself? Work, wedding, wee ones and...wunning (you know I mean running but the marketing freak in me had to go with consistent alliteration :). I do actually have a paying job and sometimes I actually have stuff to do there, when I really, really set my mind to it...and get off of wedding planning and shopping ;). Wedding planning (and shopping) is moving right along - according to the trusty wedding countdown widget on my phone, "45 days until we say 'I do'"!

The next big task is getting LOML to go get fitted for his tux! I don't know if I've mentioned this but he is NOT a very good planner-aheader and as an overwhelmingly anal type-A personality, this drives me INSANE! Not only does he have to get himself fitted, but also his 16-year-old/Best Man and his 2 groomsmen. My girls are good-to-go, of course. I go for my second fitting tomorrow. I've lost 3 more pounds (10.5 total!!!) since my first fitting with 9.5 to go...hopefully that won't be too dramatic?? If it gets too loose, I'll just have to cinch up the corset in the back a little tighter than planned.

The "wee ones" a.k.a. "the kids" were here this past weekend (all except my 2 girls which still left us with 8 under one roof ;). The best way to sum up a weekend with the kiddos is "whirlwind"! We do so much with so many in such a short amount of time! I'm still exhausted days later!

That's my Ethan jumping off a bridge, sort of, at the beach on Sunday

I'm still cruising right along with my calories, running and water. As I think I mentioned above, I've lost 10.5 pounds so far :). I'm up to (easily) running 30 minutes straight (big, big smile)...that's as long as I'm running after dark when I can actually breathe. The weather is getting slightly cooler so I may not have to wait until after dark to run for much longer. Tonight is supposed to be a 45-minute run - fingers crossed but no promises!

Bought these stickers for my car since I now feel like a legit runner :) Just one wasn't good enough ;)

I'm thinking of running a 5K on the 29th of this month...but it starts at 8am - I don't know if I am not, not lazy enough to get up that early on a Saturday. Usually, my precious Aidan-angel has me up (begrudgingly...until I see his beautiful smiling face) anywhere between 7:30-9a on Saturdays but getting up and dragging myself to a race to start running at 8a might be too big a challenge for me. Ah, we'll see...I have about 2 more weeks to shame myself into it. Anyone want to run with??

OMG, he's so stinkin' cute!! Oh! and he's walking now :/

Oh, and I know our boys are not starting off too good this year but War Eagle anyway!

What hurricane?

Luckily, Hurricane Isaac wasn't much of an issue for us. We lost power for about 5 hours early yesterday morning but that was it...other than being bored silly while stuck in the house. And it didn't stop me from my run Tuesday. I took advantage of the fact that we were off work to get in my run before the rain and wind really came. I know neighbors had to be looking out their windows (the ones that weren't boarded up anyway) and saying, "what is that crazy b***h doing?!" It was quite windy and raining just a little and I felt a little silly at first but still finished my 28-minute-run ;). And I'm sure my soaked clothes weighed me down just a little = more calories burned. And yesterday, I got out in the wind and rode my bike. It's a little more challenging trying to peddle a bike against a 30 mph wind I have to say. Enjoyed the extra 2 days off, looking forward to the 3 day weekend!

Duration, Not Distance

I've had two reasons to pat myself on the back this week - a very rare thing. As someone who is somewhat, just slightly, really minutely insecure, I very rarely stumble across reasons to congratulate myself.

First pat is for having lost 3.5 lbs when I weighed in Monday morning. The other is running last night.

As I mentioned before, I'm using an app - Ease into 5k - for my running "routine". It starts you off at small intervals of running and walking. It's a 3-day-a-week program over 8 weeks.

Week one, day one was running 30 seconds, walk 45 seconds, run 45, walk 60, run 60, walk 90 - fairly easy and actually manageable for someone who used to get winded walking to my car in the Walmart parking lot. So the gradualness (is that a word?) was perfect for me. Then came week 3, day 1 - the longest run interval was 3 minutes!! I thought surely there was NO WAY I was going to make it a full 3 minutes, but figured if I could go at least 90 seconds that would be longer than intervals of previous weeks. But, I actually made it a full 3 minutes. Hmmm....

Animated GIF via: acciohealthylifestyle: if you’re not running… – Turning day-dreams, into reality

Week 4, day 1 - the longest run interval was 6 minutes. I truly remember dreading it since I just knew I couldn't make it for 6 minutes straight. I figured I needed to tell LOML where to look for me if I didn't come back within 30 minutes because I would be passed out on the sidewalk somewhere. But again I reasoned I would at least try my hardest to last longer than the previous weeks longest interval. But amazingly, I made it, again...without passing out.

Week 5, day 3 - longest run interval=9 MINUTES! I wondered if I could rent a portable oxygen mask somewhere as that was the only way I was making it through 9 whole minutes. And guess what...I didn't stop :), I made it! One great thing about the app it that it "updates" you throughout the run, letting you know when you have 5 minutes, 2 minutes, etc left, depending on the length of the run. And I remember, when I heard the, "you have 2 minutes left" alert, I quickly thought, "I got this!". I was really surprised - those first 9 minutes were really kind of easy.

Week 6, day 1 - TWO 9 minute intervals with only a 3 minute walk in between! I knew I could make it through one 9 minute run, so I planned to suck in as much oxygen as I could in that 3 minutes and just do the best I could. And again...it was really kind of easy. At the end of the second 9 minute interval, I had a really big smile on my face.

Well, last night was the most challenging run so far - 20 MINUTES STRAIGHT WITH NO WALKING/REST!!! I honestly, absolutely thought I couldn't make it an entire 20 minutes...but would give it my best, anything longer than 9 minutes would be better than before. I kept waiting for an update alert...but nothing...until, "you have 10 minutes left", another BIG smile. That first 10 minutes had only felt like 5. I was winded but had plenty of energy left. And guess what :) :) :)? I made it the ENTIRE 20 minutes without stopping or slowing down! I wanted to find a set of steps so I could do the Rocky fist pump!

I am really proud of myself for this, considering what my "fitness" level was when I started, basically 98.5% stationary. Running that first 30 seconds straight felt like going from standing still to full blast!

So what's next? The next run, week 6, day 3 is a 15 minute run, 3 minute walk, 10 minute run. I got that :)! The next longest interval will be week 7, day 2 for 26 minutes straight. Then it basically creeps up a minute a day until I'm running 30 minutes straight for 3 days, then 45 (!) minutes straight for one day, then 60 (!!!)...after that? There is also an Ease into 10k app...I'll keep you posted!

3 1/2 lbs and Tub

Another long one...

Last week was another great week! I lost 3 1/2 lbs!!! 7 total, only 13 more to go! I did set my daily calories at 1,200 but averaged 1,167 each day. I also increased my workout intensity - not the time spent working out but the intensity - it's about quality, not quantity ;). I did try to drink more water but didn't succeed every day. Now that I have reached 130lbs (and below!), I shall treat myself to a pedicure. I've been giving my feet quite a beating in the past 5 weeks so they deserve it too!

***I also bought my wedding dress last week :). Can't post pictures, don't want LOML seeing it. But it is BEE-U-TI-FULL! And I got a great deal - spent $150 less than I budgeted. And was able to buy it off the rack in MY size - only thing that needs to be altered is the length, of course. Not many wedding dresses made for the vertically challenged apparently.***

...so that explains the "3 1/2 lbs" in my title, what's with the "Tub"? Well, I briefly touched on LOML's dedication as a father in this post. But I feel like I need to go into further detail because he is that wonderful of a father.

Not only does LOML adore his children, he puts in time with them, he gets down to their level to play and interact with them, he takes a great interest in whatever they are interested in, he would simply sacrifice anything and everything for them. Yet another thing that makes him perfect. Unfortunately, we only get to spend time with his kids every other weekend per the boilerplate divorce agreement. I know he would give anything to be able to spend every minute with them. But he must work 60+ hours per week in order to provide child support for his children. He is their sole support seeing as how his ex-wife does not, has not and probably will not ever have a job.

YET - she continues to consistently and loudly "complain" about not having enough money. Oh, here's where the "tub" comes in - LOML and I non-affectionately refer to his ex as Tub (The Ultimate B***h). Because quite honestly, she is. She's the typical bitter ex-wife. However, in this case, she was responsible for the failure (via an affair) and dissolution (LOML tried to work it out even after the affair - selfish of me to say, but obviously I'm glad it didn't work out) of their marriage. So her bitterness I attribute to her general unhappiness in life, she knows she gave up something great (although she would never admit it) and now she's left with a loser, a Sanford & Son house, with six kids that she usually leaves to take care of themselves while she drinks to the point where she probably couldn't function if she didn't.

In trying to sort this all out, this is what I've concluded: Everyone is special. Everyone is unique. No two people are alike. Even identical twins have subtle differences. However, why do all ex-wives seem exactly alike?! Although, I myself, am an ex-wife, so all is not a fair statement because I take extreme pride in saying I am absolutely NOTHING like Tub. Let me elaborate:



Tub revealed:

• She would lie to God if it got her what she wanted.
• She thinks that because they share kids, she is in complete control of his life and anyone involved with him. Our business is her business.
• She doesn’t care about the truth or the facts because she’s sees the world how she wants which entitles her to special treatment.
• She schedules things for the kids when they are on our time with no concern whatsoever for our schedule and any plans we may have already had.
• She is blatantly ungrateful that he works 60+ hours a week to support the kids and her non-working (although she’s perfectly capable of having a job), greedy lifestyle. In fact, she constantly complains about not having enough money…after she’s returned from a cruise, trip to Disney World and week at the lake with her loser fiancé whose deadbeat job could certainly not support the lifestyle they have become accustomed to. I, therefore, resent her just a little bit more (if that's even possible) because she gets to be a stay-at-home mom with no financial worries while I long to spend more time with Aidan and we struggle week to week to buy groceries and diapers.
• She vilifies him when he can’t spend time with them or attend their extra-curricular activities and functions because he’s working 60+ hours a week to support her a$$! (See previous point.) THIS ONE pisses me off the most. The hurtful and downright untrue things she says about LOML. However, she says most of this to him and not the kids...that we know of. I can feel my blood pressure rise every time LOML starts to tell me about a conversation or text message received from Tub because I know it's going to be nasty, spiteful, hurtful and blatantly untrue..and there's nothing I can do about it!
• She seems to get more bitter, vindictive, malicious…EVIL with time.
• She spins situations and twists words to suit her and to make LOML feel like complete and absolute SH*T.
• She spreads her hateful venom about him to anyone and everyone who will listen. (Goes hand-in-hand with the above point. However, I feel about as helpless as only being able to say, "NAH-UH!" whenever she starts her rants.)
• She always has to get her way or its no way.
• She accuses him of putting our son first, neglecting his other kids. (This is where I may have to start getting "involved" - the next time I hear of her saying, "Why does Aidan get...Why do you __ for Aidan...", I may just lose my sh**...all over her. I know that's gross but that's about the best way to describe it.)

LOML, as a result:

• He jumps way too high when Tub says JUMP!
• He never calls Tub on her bulls**t. (I know this is because he wants to keep the peace and not risk her withholding his kids from him...but I would like him to comeback with a good 'ol "In yo face!!!" comment...just once :)
• He seems to be holding on to “divorce guilt” (Even when the divorce wasn't initiated by him and it should have been since she cheated on him) which causes him to bend and cower to suit her.
• He’s caught between standing up to her, risking losing even more time with his kids, and standing up for me because he doesn’t want to lose me either.

Me, in the middle of it all:

• Feels like marrying him absolutely means I'm marrying Tub too.
• I would actually pity Tub if she just wasn't so evil.
• I want to take the high road but find it increasingly difficult. (Translation – I'd like to punch her in the throat but my own values and decency and my love for the kids won’t allow me to.)
• I hope the kids will see Tub for what she really is one day, justifying my good decision to be the better person. (And also making me feel better about not ever punching her in the throat).
• I love LOML way too much to let her vindictive, controlling ways interfere with our relationship…but this is becoming increasing uncomfortable and a true test of my love for him.

...and that pretty much covers it :). I have seriously considered getting a voodoo doll so that I can inflict some kind of pain on her...although I think I would want to be able to take full and visible credit for it instead of hiding behind the voodoo :). However, I guess that's the same as wanting to punch her in the throat but not doing it because I am far more superior ;). And believe it or not, all of this was me actually holding back on what a b***h she truly is and how I truly feel about her...

Wedding Planning! What more can I say?!

To my vast readership, I apologize for being so neglectful of my blog in the past couple of weeks! Once the engagement finally happened, wedding planning has overtaken my life - afterall, I only have 80 days left until the wedding on October 26!!!

I'm still dieting - counting my calories, drinking water, running. I'm down 4.5lbs total, looking to break below 130 this week! I only had the one week of 2lb loss - it's mostly been 1lb or half a pound. I've adjusted my calories back up this week. It is very true, you have to eat it to lose it! I'm going to try and intensify my workouts a little this week too to see how much of a difference that makes, and drink more than 64oz of water each day. TRACKING is the key! It's great to be able to look back at what I've done week-to-week to see where adjustments might be needed.

I'm very proud of myself for staying motivated and disciplined for (going on) 5 weeks now - that is HUGE for me! Even at this pace, I should easily lose the full 20lbs by my wedding date. Which I guess could be a bad thing, dress-wise. I go tomorrow evening with my bridesmaids to try on pretty, pretty dresses - so excited!!! I just hope a 15lb loss between now and October doesn't require massive alterations to my dress. To say our budget is tight for this wedding is a severe understatement therefore I need as few alterations as possible!

P.S. I've created our wedding website at http://MariaVernon.ourwedding.com - just the basic info (and a scary little countdown at the top!)

The Best Day Ever!

...was yesterday. (Do you start hearing SpongeBob sing that song, like I do, whenever you see that phrase??)

Yesterday was mine and LOML's anniversary. It was 21 years ago yesterday that we started dating. Of course, there's been quite a few changes since then (see my Simply Meant to Be post) but we've ended up back where we're supposed to be and a couple years ago we chose that date to celebrate.

First, we went to dinner. Then we went roller skating :) (see previously mentioned post). I still have the same skates from 20+ years ago...and they still fit! I can't skate in any skates but those.

Oh, and he PROPOSED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He chose to propose in the place "where it had all started" 21 years ago. It was very fitting and very perfect. Now I have a beautiful ring and will be marrying the Love of My Life (sorry gym guys) in the fall...just have to pick a date! Stay tuned - frantic details of planning a wedding in only 3 months to follow, I'm sure! And I know this was a short post for something so wonderful but it's hard for me to concentrate today, my head is still way above the clouds. Happy cannot even begin to describe it...

3 down, 17 to go!

Weighed myself this morning and I lost another 2lbs for a total of 3lbs in 2 weeks! I think I exercised about the same as I did the week before and most days I was able to keep my calories to 1,200 or below (instead of 1,300 or below) -maybe that helped me drop 2lbs instead of only 1? Anyhow, I'm heading straight into week 3, very motivated by that 2lb loss :). And I have really surprised myself, I'm staying on track all day, each and every day. I've occasionally had a meal that caught me off-guard and ate more calories than I planned but still watched my portions and kept them under control. But in the past, one "bad" meal (or a day of exercise skipped) would mean I was done dieting for the week and would plan to "start over on Monday" only for the cycle to repeat again and again. That happened more times than I can count.

Is it my shorts riding up because my thighs are rubbing when I run? Is it the fat I can feel jiggle in my stomach and rear areas when I run? Is it knowing I can do it because I've done it before? Is it because I've made it as uncomplicated as possible this time? Is it a wedding in the fall? (I'm getting married in the fall, hopefully to the LOML, but if he doesn't hurry up and propose, I'm just going to grab somebody off the street! Or maybe out of a gym would be better.) I really don't know what the difference is this time but I hope whatever is keeping me motivated hangs around for about 9 more weeks (and beyond for maintenance of course).

I'll try to remember to take an update picture and post mid-week, although I'm doubting that 3lbs lost will be that noticeable yet :).

Oh! and Happy Anniversary tomorrow to LOML! I hope it's you I'm marrying in the fall ;).

Simply Meant to Be

Warning: This is going to be a long post :) 


Ok, I guess it's on to talking about me as a girlfriend. At my age, that just sounds silly but given all it took to get here, I'll take it!!  It's really a sweet and (slowly progressive) story, one of those meant-to-be kind of stories. LOML and I were high school sweethearts. We started "dating" in the summer of 1991. I say "dating" because my parents certainly weren't going to let me go anywhere with LOML since I was only 13! We saw each other at the local roller skating rink several times a week (just about any time it was open) and in school when it started back in the fall. I actually had had a crush on LOML well before we actually got together. I chased after him for a while, had a couple other boyfriends, but none of them took my mind off LOML. He has since told me that he wasn't ready to "date" me when I was chasing him because he was looking to be with girls for a "certain" reason and he knew I wasn't like that -awwww. Knowing him for the great person he is, I believe that and don't think it's as B.S. as it sounds :). So our young romance continued...until April 1992.

I'll have to back up, during my dating-other-guys-but-still-pining-for-LOML days, I met a guy at the skating rink (let's call him D.B. for douchebag and also those are actually his initials, how convenient!). D.B. tried to flirt but I wasn't at all interested. He disappeared for almost a year...then re-appeared at the skating rink, asking for me. And so it started. For some reason, this time, I was interested in D.B. even though LOML and I were happy, no real issues in our relationship, we had managed to stay together for 9 months which is an eternity in teenage/puppy love years. LOML wasn't at all pleased with the extra attention D.B. was giving nor my acceptance of it. We argued about it a couple of times. LOML tried his best to keep us apart, but to no avail. After LOML and I got to school the morning of April 15, 1992 (he was driving-age which is a bonus, of course), we argued, I handed him a note and jumped out of his car. The note was the big break-up. Later that day, the next time we saw each other happened to be in the cafeteria. LOML wadded up my note and threw it at me. A little dramatic but I understood. So D.B. and I were now a couple and managed to stay together 3 kids and almost 17 years later. However, in October 2009, I decided to leave and never look back (more on that later)! I was then perfectly content being single, certainly not looking for another relationship and didn't care if I ever had one again!

Then, not quite 2 months later, in the beginning of December, LOML popped up, out of nowhere. We hadn't seen each other in the past 17 years, except for one time a couple of years after we broke up and one time when we ran into each other at Walmart, me with Tiff in tow and him with his now oldest son. We hadn't talked or corresponded in any way, complete radio silence. However, I had thought about LOML a lot over those years, even had dreams about him. Every time I would hear "our song" on the radio, I had to change the station. I had looked him up online a couple times just to see where he ended up. I figured he was still married to the girl he started dating several months after we broke up. I can still remember when I found out they were dating - they walked up the bleachers hand-in-hand at one of our high school pep rallies. It really caught me off-guard. And to make it even more interesting, I had been really good friends with the girl in 9th grade (when LOML and I were dating). Anyhow, I opened Facebook one day to find a friend request...from LOML. I actually considered not accepting the friend request -being newly separated and knowing how D.B. reacts to those kinds of things (other guys) made me hesitant. But I did finally accept it. About a week or so later, he sent me a private message. We exchanged phone numbers and he called me. We were on the phone for over an hour, catching up on quite a bit from the last 17 years - he was also separated...with 6 kids. I really did not see this turning into anything at all. 

But we started texting, quite frequently. I think in the month of January alone we sent each other over 5,000 texts combined! We would stay up entire nights texting. I was slowly realizing that I thought that maybe I sort of wanted to be with him again. However, in March 2010, came the statement that literally crushed me. I had sent him a text a few days before that rubbed him the wrong way apparently. Also, it was during this time that he was finally moving out of the house (and away from his kids that he simply adores) and was having a hard time with it. Anyway, back to that statement - "I can't do this right now..." A little defensive I said, "I didn't know there was a "this"..." or something similar, and he said, "I know you want a relationship...but I can't right now." I literally felt like a giant weight had landed on me...which told me I was obviously more into him than I thought. I thought that was the absolute end to us...or any possibility of us...but he told me he wouldn't stop texting and talking to me. And I certainly wasn't going to stop! And I didn't...I was persistent...and even though he never wanted to call it a "relationship", it basically was! We went out together, texted all the time, spent the night at each other's apartments (among other things). So to anyone that hadn't heard me whine about not having what I wanted and see me obsess over LOML, we were together. He was always persistent too that he liked "hanging out and having fun" (another statement I now despise) but didn't want a relationship, didn't know if he ever would again. But I never let up, never let too much time pass when we didn't talk or see each other. If I could have had my way, we would have been together every day. I wanted to be with him every minute and I would literally cry when I left his apartment in the mornings and instantly begin to figure out how I could get us together again as soon as possible. Obsess is simply not a strong enough word.

It was sometime in May 2010 that I literally, all of a sudden, realized that I LOVED LOML...but certainly didn't tell him that. I instead wrote him a letter, not intending to give it to him until much, much, much later. I was always afraid of scaring him off. I was treading very delicate ground - he didn't want a relationship, had been very clear about that so I didn't want to push. The thought of hearing, "I can't do this right now.." again made me want to throw up.

In July, LOML (an electrician by trade) got hurt at work -shocked with high voltage, I can't remember exactly how much but it was enough to knock him across the room, onto his ass. I had been texting him about dinner since lunchtime that day with no response. By 7:30ish I was getting a little agitated and texted again. Very unexpectedly, his son replied that he had been hurt at work, 3rd degree burns and was now in the emergency room. Just that quick, there was that giant weight landing on me again. We had spent the night together the night before, him giving me a kiss as he and I left for work that morning. I immediately thought, "what if that's the last time I'll see him?!!" (I'm tearing up now just thinking about it.) I rushed to the hospital and finally got to see him a couple hours later. It was past visiting hours but I "lied" and told the nurse I was his "girlfriend" and she let me in to see him for a few minutes. I didn't think saying, "I'm the girl he likes to hang out and have fun with would get me very far ;). Quite relieved to see it wasn't as bad as his son made it out to be :). He did have burns on his hands from where he touched the whatever-it-was-that-shocked-him. It blew a hole in the tip of one of his thumbs! I was at the hospital every day he was there for as long as I could stay. He got out after about 5 days but was out of work for about 7 months = more time to spend together in our "non-relationship".

The next big thing was Aidan, our sweet, handsome (I call him pretty), precious angel. I got pregnant in September...by accident. I was on the pill but had recently changed the type and also one of my other medications, we figure that messed with the effectiveness of the pill, thus my sweet angel was conceived. LOML was just a little stunned when I told him the news, to say the very least. This meant 7 kids for him...and a baby with someone he wasn't even in a relationship with, right?!

As my belly grew, so did my feelings for him...and unbeknownst to me, so were his feelings for me! In late December, the 31st to be exact, he finally said the "L" word! When I asked when it was that he decided he loved me, he said it was back when he was in the hospital. He suddenly realized it then, just like I had suddenly realized it in May. He said my being there for him when things seemed the worse helped him to realize he loved me. So who knew, me being a leach (more so than usual) was all I needed to do?!

However, when I asked why he didn't tell me sooner, he said it was because he wasn't sure if he wanted to love me -that was a kick in the teeth with a Goliath-sized boot! It really hurt my feelings. But it simply went back to him still being uncertain about his direction for the future and his love life.

We finally moved in together in March of last year. LOML had always been sweet, considerate, respectful, called me beautiful, opened doors for me, held my hand...the stuff a lot of guys, especially those "not in a relationship" just don't do anymore but also while keeping me at arms length when it came to the "R" word. But once the "L" word was out there, it was like a total shift into high gear. All those things he already did for me were intensified by a million! He tells me everyday, usually multiple times a day, that he loves me. He sends me the sweetest, heart melting texts throughout the day. He is never cross with me -if he's ever agitated by something I do or say, he must keep it to himself. He is simply perfect, I cannot point out one single flaw, honestly!

Of course, some time last year, I all of a sudden realized that I did want to be married again. After my 17 years with D.B., I almost set in stone that I would never marry again. But guess what? LOML didn't know if he wanted to be married again :). So yet another chase ensued. It was all I could think about. Then around February of this year, I finally asked again how he felt about the "whole marriage thing". And his reply was one of the best things he's ever said to me, "Yes, I do want to marry you." I was ecstatic...but now the next thing to stress over was when he was going to ask. A few months ago he blurted out that he had the ring! I'm on the fence about that -I'm glad he does have a ring but I'm not sure I'm glad he told me.

So, I've been waiting, mostly impatiently, for him to propose. He says he has a plan, says it will happen before Dec. 21 (since that's the day the world is supposed to end), says it will happen before the end of October (when our lease is up and because I finally gave him the ultimatum a while back that he needed to sh** or get off the pot because I wasn't going into another year lease not knowing about our future). So that leaves the rest of this month through the end of October. I really don't know how much longer I can wait before I lose my sh**! Our unofficial anniversary is next week, July 24. I say unofficial because we picked that date once we agreed that we loved each other because it was when we first started dating, 20 years ago. And we really have no significant date from the past two years -should we have picked the date when he first decided he loved me but didn't know if he wanted too :/ uh, no...should we have picked the date I got knocked up, again no...should we have picked the date when he finally did say he loved me...just a few "choices" but hard to nail one down so we just decided to go with July 24. Could he be waiting for that date to ask?? The only other significant date coming up in the next 3 months is my birthday on August 27th -dear Lord, please don't make me wait that much longer!!!

So that's our story. I now THANK GOD for Facebook ;)! And we are obviously meant-to-be, otherwise how is it that we happened to reconnect at exactly the time when we were both separated and divorcing?! How is it that even though he said, repeatedly, that he didn't know if he would ever want a relationship again, he now loves me with the most unconditional, sweet and soul-deep love? How is that even though he said he didn't know if he wanted to get married again, he's now bought a ring? It still amazes me, and I sometimes have to remind myself to be grateful, that I've gotten everything I wanted after chasing for so long and thinking I would never have it. I don't know what I've done to deserve this much happiness or this wonderful man (he is truly an enigma!) but I would give my life to never lose it and I pray everyday that we will grow very old together, as happy at 90 (or beyond!) as we are today.

Ten Kids...Wha?!?

Today, I'm focusing on my life as a mom and stepmom-to-be. As you can see from the picture in my header, I have 4 children - Victoria, 18, Tiffani, 15, Ethan, 9 and Aidan, 13 months. Yes, you read that first age right, Tori (as her family calls her) is 18, will be 19 in less than a month. I'll make the statement for you (that I hear so often and certainly do NOT mind)-"you look too young to have 4 kids, one of them 18!!". When I stop hearing that statement, that means it's time for some plastic surgery. Anyhow, I'm 35 which means I had Tori (and got married -more on that later {MOTL}) at 15, almost 16. The pregnancy was not intentional, I was just ignorantly irresponsible (I put the blame mostly on my ex -MOTL). Unfortunately, having Tori at 15 meant I had no clue how to be a mother and as a result we aren't very close. However, she is living with me and LOML right now and I feel like we are getting a little closer, baby steps.

When my next daughter came along (also unintentional), Tiffani, I was 19 and in college and a little better equipped for motherhood. She and I were very close. And she was spoiled as a result while poor Tori hid out in her room and kept to herself (much like I did as an only child). Now, Tiffani lives with her dad or I guess you could say she spends the night there from time to time. She pretty much does as she pleases while her dad lets her. I'm really afraid for her -I'm afraid she's going to get pregnant, get a disease or just get hurt. We are nowhere near as close as we used to be but I know that's usually the norm with a teenager, especially at that age. However, she doesn't hesitate to text me when she wants something (bought for her). I can never get her to come stay with me or at least visit and it breaks my heart, brings me to tears, I really miss my little girl.

Ethan was kind of intentional, we were neither trying nor not trying to get pregnant. He was mama's little boy for a little while but got to be a handful as he grew, to the point where he was completely kicked out of a private school in K3! He has gotten better as he's gotten older but there are still issues there. He also stays with his dad, his choice and it's pointless to fight him on it. See, when we got divorced, the ex kept the house (MOTL) and Tiffani and Ethan didn't want to leave their "home" so I didn't push them to come live with me. And as selfish as it is, I actually enjoyed being on my own for a little while, something I had never been (being married at 15 and all). Tori had moved out before we separated to live with her grandmother. She's bounced around since then and like I said earlier, has ended up with me...for now.

Aidan, my baby, who is the most precious, sweet, funny, easy-going baby has me wrapped around his little pudgy finger. He was also unplanned. Really, I consider unplanned babies to be very special, given the 5 seconds each month that you can get pregnant, for it to happen when you aren't trying is truly miraculous. Aidan has a different father from my other 3. Vernon, the LOML (Love Of My Life), was also my high school sweetheart...whom I dumped for my now ex-husband only to reconnect with him 18 years later when both of us happened to be separated from our now ex's (MOTL!).

Which leads me to my stepchildren-to-be. Vernon has 6 kids from his previous marriage, Aidan makes 7 for him! And I say "to be" because we are not yet engaged, but he has the ring (I really wish he hadn't told me that because I am the epitome of impatience! MOTL) and we have been living together for about a year and a half. Vernon's ex has custody and we get them every other weekend. That's usually when I'll get Ethan too. I try and try to get Tiff to come but she has better things to do. Anyway, he has 3 boys -Hunter, 15, Christian, 14, Country, 2 (yes, that's his name, NOT Vernon's choice-MOTL :); and 3 girls -Bobby Jo, 11, Daisy, 10 and Lora Lee, 6. They are well-behaved and respectful kids, I keep hoping that will rub off on Ethan a little. Unfortunately, he acts a lot like his dad -spoiled, easily angered and disrespectful. However, Vernon makes him behave and be respectful when he's with us. Vernon's kids are by no means perfect, they are kids afterall, but they had a little bit better upbringing (mostly thanks to Vernon) than my kids had unfortunately. I certainly grew up saying "yes ma'am" and "no ma'am" and knowing the fear of having to pick my own switch but the ex didn't and he never backed me up when I tried to discipline our kids..and now they're all over the place, literally, as a result.

So those are my kids, all summed up. I know I'll have more to share about them as I continue posting. How could I not with 10 kids?!?

Just Plain Simple diet

Starting day 1 of week 2 and I'm down a pound! I had hoped for at least 2, but minus anything is a plus! (Can you tell I like oxymorons?) I thought it only fair to post a more recent "before" picture. This is from last Wednesday:

Yep, that's a good 'ol muffin top

The pooch is a little concealed thanks to the shorts but I wasn't about to pull my shorts down and fully expose the pooch! They also conceal my thighs a little but I think you can see the massive stump connected to the chicken leg via knee...I gotta lose weight before those knees give!

I figured I would go into a little more detail about my "Just Plain Simple" diet plan:

1. Calories - I cut my calories last week to 1100-1300. (This week I'm going for 1000-1200 to see if that doesn't boost that loss number). I did not/will not limit myself on the types of foods I eat. As a matter of fact, I ate "out", whether fast food or sit-down restaurant, 4 times last week. I also had cake and ice cream for my soon-to-be step-daughter's 10th birthday. The key is moderation - Mama Laughlin explains this better on her blog. I think that's why Weight Watchers worked for me before. You aren't limited on what you can eat. You can eat ANYTHING as long as it fits within your "points" balance for the day/week. So why am I not doing WW again? Because I don't want to count points! Isn't counting calories the same thing? Nope! With WW you have to use a food's protein, carb, fat and fiber content to figure out its points value and you need a points calculator handy -a time consuming extra step that would just plain take the "simple" out of my plan.
2. Running - As for exercise, I've taken up running. I found this great android app - Ease into 5k - that helps you start off right and helps build you up to full-out running. It's working great for me. And now I feel better about wearing Nike running shorts (like the ones in the picture). I have several pair and felt like a fraud wearing running shorts when I did absolutely no running. I run in my neighborhood and don't feel self-conscious about it, surprisingly. For those who may be staring out their window and pointing as I jiggle by, I say, "at least I have my jiggly ass off the couch!"
3. Water, water, water - I used to have no trouble drinking 8 glasses a day. But as with most of my dieting sprees, I just stopped doing it one day. Now I'm back at it, for a week straight now. What works for me is to have a water bottle that can hold all 64 oz for the day. I know this is counter-productive to weight loss, but I really don't want to be up and down from my desk 8 times a day to refill a water bottle. Whatever is easiest, works best for me! I also add lemon "powder" (I can't remember exactly what it's called. I use the Walmart version of Crystal Light) to help with the taste.

So that's it for me - calories, running, water! And like with my calories for this week, I'll adjust as needed. I guess I need to include a disclaimer that I am not a nutritionist, physician or diet expert -just tellin' you what works for me.

I'll move on from dieting in my next post...hmmm, what should be the topic -motherhood, ex-wifehood, being a "girlfriend" again in my early 30's (does calling yourself a girlfriend sound as silly to you as it does to me?), my stepmom-to-be-ness? I'll probably decide as I'm running today - that seems to be the best time to brainstorm. Of course, I come up with all kinds of things to say then have forgotten them when it comes time to post. Otherwise, I know I would have had a lot more snappier things to say in this one. I have to write it down if I want to remember it 2 minutes later, but not easy to do when running. Anyone else belong to the "kingdom of post-its" where I am the Queen?!

I am impressed with myself for a couple of reasons today - first, I am back here posting another post in less than a week's time! I would have guessed I would procrastinate for another 2 weeks. Second, I started my next dieting spree this past Monday (isn't that the only day you can start a diet?). I've decided to do just plain easy this time -limit my calories to 1100 to 1300 a day, start running for exercise (no special equipment needed, no gym membership needed, just walk out the front door and go!) and drink at least 64oz of water a day and so far, I'm still on track, 3 days later! That's pretty darn good for me! I've enjoyed reading Mama Laughlin's blog -it really made me want to kick my own ass into gear (again).

I think I officially started dieting around 1994/95 via Weight Watchers, and it worked for me. But the yo-yo wound back up (or would it be down?) and I gained and went on another diet, though I can't remember which one. Over the years I would go back to the WW system but without attending meetings and apparently that didn't work for me as the yo-yoing continued. Back around the summer of 2003, I went back on WW but also started going to the weekly meetings/weigh-ins again and I was able to go from 140 to 112 in about 4 or 5 months!  At only 5'2.5" (every 1/2" counts ;) and a petite frame, and 112 was perfect for me.

As you can see, at 140, I was quite pudgy. I will add that I had just had my 3rd child in April 2003 (I'll talk about him and the other 3 later :) but I was already pudgy before conception. Now, over the past 9 years my weight has, you guessed it, yo-yoed -I've tried boot camp classes (which made me feel even worse about myself because I couldn't keep up), I've tried eating only certain foods (that does NOT work for me, you just can't make brown rice and whole grain noodles not taste like pure crap), I've tried exercise DVDs (again, no membership, no special equipment but apparently it takes too much effort to keep putting the DVD back into the player after about 2 days), I've done Zumba and spinning (I love Zumba and it did help me lose some weight but I wasn't going to Zumba or spinning classes consistently after a while and just couldn't justify the cost of a Y membership anymore)...but with all of that, I have never gotten back down to 112. The lowest I got was 122. But I WILL do it this time! Actually, my goal is 115. Twenty (and a half) pounds to lose just seems more doable than 23 1/2, of course.

So, if you didn't do the math above, what is my current weight you ask? When I weighed myself Monday morning it was 135.5 (can I leave off the 1/2 when it comes to weight?...although I'm sure I'll be happy to count any halves I've lost come next Monday. For some reason, I'm not as pudgy looking as before at only 5 lbs lighter than my heaviest weight (excluding pregnancies)..or maybe I just don't see it. But I do feel it -I feel "the pooch" as I affectionately call it, hanging over the top of my pants, especially when I sit and have to adjust my pants up over the pooch, I do see it in my thighs and butt for sure.

This is a fairly recent picture of me. Notice how well-rounded my thighs are. Although, my face isn't as pudgy this time. And my stomach isn't as big as the jacket makes me look! (War Eagle!) But it's not far off.

So, I'll plan to keep updating here on my progress (Again, I'll say 3 days straight is HUGE progress for me!). Maybe this will help me stick to it. Actually...I don't need "help" because I AM going to do it...this time...the yo-yo's going back down (or would it be up?).

Hi! I've been wanting to start a blog for a while but felt so overwhelmed about where to start in blogging about my life...and also one of my favorite quotes is -"I'll stop procrastinating tomorrow..." (Maria Cartee). So now I've finally done it! Why today, why now? I'm guessing that, because like most things I procrastinate on, I've been procrastinating so long that I've started to get on my own nerves :). My plan is to share the most significant parts of my life - mom, girlfriend, almost stepmom, ex-wife, friend, yo-yo dieter (that's where I really need to start!) and full-time marketer. I sincerely hope I make it worth your time to read...if not, I don't mind being the only person that knows how closet-crazy I really am.